• Verneda Adele White

Embrace Your Pain to Release It...And Let the #BlackLove In

Photo Credit: via Twitter @IyanlaVanzant

Black women…looking for love and finding pain. You are not alone. The pain of lost love is neither punishment nor consequence from not getting it right. It is the opportunity to know more fully that we are in fact loved beyond measure, beyond all expectations. I know this because God created us to be beautiful, courageous, magnificent Black women.

In recognizing my relationship had come to an end, buckling under the kind of pressure our foundation was not ready to withstand, I simply wanted the pain to go away. Understandably, it is part of our collective experience and natural disposition as human beings, to want the pain to go away. The pain of disappointment and shame, of regret, disillusionment, and longing. But, there is this funny thing about pain. While at first glance having the pain go away seemed it would be easiest, instead, I found my true path to freedom was to embrace it… to embrace me.

Our pain is a part of a beautiful tapestry that makes us exactly who we are meant to be. In giving ourselves space for transformation, our old hurts, disappointments, and traumas transcend into opportunities for growth in our self-esteem, self-love, and self-care. The wake of a lost relationship is a universal prompting to get to know ourselves first and to love ourselves more intimately. Moving through our pain wholeheartedly, we begin to see our experience as preparation for life’s next adventures with new intentions.

This is a process of releasing requiring a proper spring cleaning.

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Reflecting on my lost love brought with it an understanding that I have no choice but to get CRYSTAL clear about what I desire from love, in love, and out of love. Secondly, as I gained a new level of consciousness around my pain, I recognized I can only fully prepare for true, authentic, sustainable love to come my way when I have taken the time to release anything preventing me from loving my whole self.

While I would otherwise choose to skip these steps and simply wake up tomorrow in unexamined “marital bliss”, the spring cleaning which brings us clarity and the opportunity for true, authentic, sustainable love, is one we are not able to fully achieve without feeling our pain, nor do we benefit from avoiding it. This clearing brings healing.

Without the power of spring cleaning (both physically and metaphorically), our past relationships and previous experiences will inevitably become the clutter blocking the passages to our heart, mind and soul designed to let the #BlackLove in.

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The clutter that prevents us from allowing ourselves to be genuinely loved is the same that will keep us from being available to authentically love someone else. With the power of spring cleaning, we give ourselves the gift of deliberately creating, as Abraham Hicks would say, the love we want in our lives*.

As it occurred to me to get clear in article form about what I learned from a lost love, what I now know about what I want, and most importantly the self-love each of us deserves, a lightbulb went off.

In this process, I’ve learned that love is not easy, but love is ease. When love is authentic and present, it feels like the comfort and ease of coming home knowing you are exactly the person you want to be with. YES, you read that correctly. Practice being the person you want to come home to. It is the feeling of a friend who loves us unconditionally, showing up for us when we have a hard time showing up for ourselves. All that it requires is that I let in the love God has designed for me.

Photo Credit: @kelbpics via Pinterest

Personally, my vision for love and the life I want to create puts God first. It is anchored in honesty and faith, joy, compassion, and mutual respect. I trust my divinely matched husband and our relationship is filled with lots of laughter, quality time, and a focus on creating generational abundance. We thrive on over-communication, commitment, and amazing mind-blowing sex, embracing dark chocolate brown skin as we birth and adopt healthy beautiful Black babies. We are each other’s #1 champion, with a steadiness in knowing that no matter what rough storms emerge, turning a harsh tide on our pacific, at our core we are a team, wanting and giving the very best for the other.

We are each other’s sanctuary.



If you have not ever (and even if you have) taken time to write down a clear vision for your ideal partner, here is your opportunity, now. Set a timer for 10 to 15 minutes and write a list of clear, specific affirmations for the love you envision and desire for yourself. Refer to this list often, keep it visible, and know you deserve every single vision and then some.

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